*airhorn noises* https://t.co/VSwnjpznVM
one day I missed a bunch of calls at work, called back & said “sorry I missed your call it’s been like a circus her… https://t.co/MPAZpqIq7k
I saw a guy reading a book called How Music Works and he was on the last page and dropped the book down on the subw… https://t.co/0383S0VAq9
I hate when movies put every funny joke in the trailer to trick you into seeing them. Anyway, the movie Philadelphia was a waste of time.
RT: Mon, July 23 w/ host +
RT: Watch tonight on Colbert 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I think it’s just the dumbest thing in the world and it either hits with you or makes no sense at all haha
If you ban straws then what am I going to throw into ducks mouths to make wishes???
Jordan no 😭😭😭 https://t.co/JxBEcMwxxY
RT: Too Many Cooks! free comedy. See before he moves to L.A. tonight at https://t.co/SswfT5zZuK ht…
This was literally the Toyota slogan during that recall period where cars were just accelerating into buildings and… https://t.co/6EfR29fVsz
I used to be a writer! ❤️
This is the 1/1000 rare time where a twitter joke suggestion is good. Thanks!
My girlfriend keeps yelling at me for liking straws and I told her “I will stop using straws when giant corporation… https://t.co/5KgXOafXr9
Standup is a weird job because what we feel is acceptable as a society changes so rapidly. No accountant is ever li… https://t.co/3hLeGKLl3K
RT: I meant to say Today wasn't the day Donald trump finally became president
Damn this raw meat looks simply to die for